It’s very discouraging.

Networking can be a real drag if you’ve got the wrong expectation.

A lot of people hate networking and I totally get it. I did too.  Until I learned a few key things that changed everything.

The most important element of networking is YOUR mindset–the thoughts you’re holding about your situation and what you’re looking to get out of the event.

Going to Networking Events Is a lot Like Dating

Many people go to networking events with the sole objective of getting clients.  That’s like going to a bar and thinking you’ll end up in a committed relationship by the end of the night by trying to convince everyone you talk with to go home with you.

OK, it mostly never works…

Thanks to everyone who came to Eats and Tweets in Larchmont  last week.  I had a great time talking about how to use social media to engage a community around what you do.

The time went so fast and there was so much more that I wanted to say, so I decided to do a little continuation here.  Even if you weren’t at the event, I’m sure that what I have to say will shed some light on what I see is often a painful situation for people.

Many people are very stuck around social media and it’s stopping them from moving forward in their business.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

There are so many places to show up now–Blogging, Twitter, Linked In, newsletters and Google+.

How do you know where to go?

Which is the best use of your time?

The important thing is to pick one place to build a platform.  The first criteria for picking is knowing where your potential clients/customers hang out. And if you’re not sure, then pick one tool and commit to using it.  Unless you have a lot of time on your hands I really recommend focusing on just one of the tools and really putting in time to engage with people there, to post awesome content, and share other people’s stuff.

Going on Facebook a couple of times a week for a month or two is not going to do it.  Spending 20 minutes a day for six months will.  Like anything, what you put into it is what you get out of it.  Give yourself time to learn and master it. Be present in your communication and don’t just broadcast and run.  That’s not engagement.

Once you’ve built a platform in one area of social media you can then transfer it to another platform.   Trying to be everywhere at once is a recipe for failure.

Dealing With The Frustration

If you’re really struggling with using social media and you are not alone! My advice to you is to look at your relationship with being out of your comfort zone.  Seriously, that’s what it comes down to.  Whatever story you tell yourself about a situation is the basis for your relationship with that situation.  So ask yourself (and listen for what comes) when you think about mastering social media or starting a newsletter using Constant Contact or being on Twitter or Facebook–what’s the first thought that pops into your head?

It’s OK, I’ll wait…

When I asked myself that question the answer was always the same “this is going to be difficult and I’m not going to be able to figure it out.”

Well, that doesn’t exactly set the stage for success.

I realized that by the time I sat down to do something, I was so tense and angry at the thought of not being able to figure it out that I wasn’t able to see some of the simple solutions that were right in front of my face.  I was accustomed to playing an old program–”I can’t do this, there’s no one to help me, it’s never going to work out” that I ended up creating that outcome.

What’s the painful story that you’re telling yourself about how it’s going to go for you?

Facebook Twitter, Constant Contact, and Linked In are not smarter than you are.

Fourteen year old kids who use these things all the time are not smarter than you are.
It’s just new territory that you’re unfamiliar with. And if you’re telling yourself a painful story about how it’s going to go for you, you’re making things a lot harder than they have to be.

Here are a couple of things to remember before you even start:

• This is a new medium and it takes time to learn.  Did you figure out how to drive a car and parallel park after the first time you drove?

• You are not alone.  Most people over the age of 30 are challenged by social media

• Get clear on the story you’re telling yourself about how it’s all going to work

• Realize that’s just your opinion and past experience, but it’s not reality.  This time can be different.

• Envision that things go smoothly before you sit down to actually do them.

• If you get stuck, know that you can get help even if you’re not sure where to do to get it.

• Google your question and see if there’s a website to explain what you need.

When you change your thoughts about a situation, you change your relationship with it, and that changes the experience that you have.

Or in the words of the brilliant Wayne Dyer:
When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change

Even works for social media…

I promise.

Good business is built on relationships.
Good marketing creates a connection between the person selling the service or product and the potential client/customer.
Really good marketing actually touches the heart of the potential client/customer.
Great marketing makes the person feel so seen and understood that they never want to leave.

We all get the opportunity to connect with people whether it’s in-person, through e-mail, or on Facebook or Twitter.

Yet, people are so wrapped up in getting their message out to as many eyeballs as possible and using social media as a billboard/megaphone for their business that they’re missing connecting to a real person.

You know when you meet someone for the first time and they ramble on about themselves incessantly without even asking you anything about yourself?  Well that’s how a lot of people–too many people–are showing up on social media.

It’s a Bad Scene Out There

In the old days, you met someone at a networking event and if you wanted to follow up with them, you either e-mailed them with a note saying it was nice meeting them and asked for another meeting or you called them saying basically the same thing.

Etiquette is Out the Window

Now after having a nice conversation with me at a networking event you add me to your list and send me your newsletter.  No personal note, no acknowledgment that you know who I am or that we’ve spoken–I’m just number 287 on your list.

Hey thanks, just what I wanted, another newsletter in my inbox.

So you already made a connection with me and you could have made an even deeper connection but now I’m just part of the herd.

And how do you think I’m going to respond to that?

Not that well, that’s for sure.

I might have offered to help you promote that event you were telling me about at the networking event, but since you’re only interested in me because you think I’ll attend then why should I put myself out for you, you’re clearly only interested in your own agenda.

I found your company on twitter and started following you.  You followed back.  I watch your tweets, I like what you’re doing.  You decided to randomly send me your newsletter.

I unsubscribed and now I’m no longer following you.

Jamming your stuff down people’s throats does not make them want to like you.

The Rules of Engagement are simple.

• It’s not a numbers game.

• One person with passion is better than 40 people merely interested.

• If you care about people, they’ll care about you and your business

• It’s not about you, it’s about them

• Creating connection and being of service are the goals–getting clients and making money are the outcome.  There’s a difference.

I have so much more to say about this but I’m going to leave it here for now.  I’ll be using a lot of the time at Eats and Tweets: Using Social Media With Fierce Authenticity to talk about how to actually have meaningful conversations and make connections on Facebook and Twitter.  I’d love to see you there.

In the meantime, we’re using #rulesofengagment to continue the conversation on Twitter.

Come and share your experiences both positive and negative with being marketed to.

Hopefully it will help to raise awareness about how to make connections and build relationships.

Maybe together we can save the world from receiving unwanted newsletters.

How’s that for doing a service?

Back on the soap box of Fierce Authenticity– I’ve had a few conversations recently with clients and friends who are stuck.  Stuck with writer’s block (did someone call my name?) and stuck with moving their businesses forward. They think that the information they’re providing in blog posts and newsletters is nothing new–that it’s obvious.

And the thing is, is that the information is obvious--to them.

They’ve been doing what they do for a long time so it’s become second nature, yet just because something is obvious to you doesn’t mean it’s not a revelation to someone else.

So many of us get tripped up trying to re-invent the wheel.

What we don’t realize is that our individual take on something makes it fresh, new.
When you are a solopreneur, when you provide a service, when you are your business–it’s not just the information or the service or the product–but how it comes through you.  That’s what people want to experience.  They want to experience YOU.

It’s a rare moment when someone’s past and seemingly unrelated present collide.  I used to say I learned everything I know about life from the musical theater (and The Wizard of Oz of course).  It looks like that’s still true.

Here’s a lesson in Fierce Authenticity from Stephen Sondheim.

This is an excerpt from the song Move On from Sunday in the Park With George where the painter, George Seurat is sitting in front of a blank canvas talking with Dot, his mistress and his model.

Dot:  Are you working on something new?
George:  No
Dot:  That is not like you George
George:  I’ve nothing to say
Dot:  You have many things
George:  Well nothing that’s not been said
Dot:  Said by you, though, George.

George: I want to make things that count,
Things that will be new

George: What am I to do?
Dot:  Concentrate on now

George:  I want to move on
I want to explore the light.
I want to know how to get through
Through to something new.
Something of my own…

Dot: Stop worrying if your vision is new
Let other make that decision–
They usually do.
You keep moving on.

Dot:  Move on…
Stop worrying where you’re going…
Move on.
If you can know where you’re going,
You’ve gone.
Just keep moving on.

Anything you do
let it come from you
then it will be new
Give us more to see…

If you want to hear the music and see the brilliant Bernadette Peters and Mandy Patinkin singing it’s here: Sunday In the Park With George

Hello My Lovelies!
I just got back from vacation in Maine and it was chock full of epiphanies!

First let me say that I was beyond burned out before we left.  I went on the trip with zero expectations the only thing I wanted was rest and to read a book about something that had nothing to do with my work or my world- turns out Life by Keith Richards totally fit the bill.

Second, I know I’m certainly not the first to write about this and if I hear the term life/work balance one more time I’ll scream but that is where I’m going with this.  Just thought I’d let you know right from the beginning.

Back to Before the Trip

This has been one hell of a summer.  I thought things would slow down in my business but it’s been just the opposite.  I’m not complaining.  But what I’ve finally come to realize is that it’s not about waiting for things to slow down it’s about me slowing down.

Aren’t I the one driving this train fer crissakes?

One of the biggest shocks I’ve had about entrepreneurship is how much you work your ass off.  And not just work, but work to the exclusion of everything else in your life.  I’ve let go of so many things–exercise, eating right, introspective alone time, yoga, getting regular bodywork .  What’s really ironic is that I used to have the most exquisite self-care program.  Really, my life revolved around it.  So you can imagine what a surprise it is for me to find myself in the situation I’m currently in.  Sitting in a pair of sweatpants everyday at the computer–not leaving except to take my dog to the park for her afternoon play date–getting to the gym when I can.

Sometimes by the end of the day the inside of my brain feels totally chewed up.  And not in a good way.

So this vacation was really interesting because all I did was show up.  Nothing on the agenda, no expectation.  It felt strange to not be thinking about my business at all.  In the back of my mind I was hoping to get some journaling done and I couldn’t even bring myself to do that.  I decided not to feel bad about it and not to force myself to do it but to just only do what I really felt like doing which was not much.

Let me just say, there is no substitute for rest or for resting your brain.  Letting go of everything and letting your mind empty is a very powerful thing to do.  It really is the way you recharge.

At the end of the trip I spontaneously put together the entire Yoga Of Marketing workshop that I’m giving in October.  Easy and effortless, it just poured out.

I don’t remember the last time I had that much ease and focus.  It’s what I chase all the time in my business.

But how come I never have it?

I realized that I need to step away more.

The truth is that integration happens in the spaces between the work and inside those spaces are the epiphanies, the bursts of creativity and the healing.  It’s in the rest, the in-between where it all happens.

And I’m not saying that you need to go away to experience these things, you just need to step away.

I’ve had some of my best ideas while I’m on the stair master at the gym
and I wrote most of my play on Metro North while going back and forth to Manhattan.

Sometimes more work does not equal more results.

Often, it’s just the opposite.

“The mind that sees the problem, is not the mind that solves the problem”-  Albert Einstein

I Still Keep Forgetting That I’m in Charge Here

Before I left for vacation I stopped by The Fluent Self and read Havi’s brilliant post Time and Money Part 2.  I have been keenly aware lately of feeling like I need to be working all the time and anytime I go food shopping or do house work or God Forbid do something for myself, this voice in my head says “I shouldn’t be wasting time on this, I have work to do.”

Well it seems my inner Puritan is alive and well. No wonder I’ve been feeling chewed up and chewed out.

Again, Who’s Driving This Train?

In Havi’s post she talks about what a difficult decision it was to take a dance class in the morning on a workday.  I’ve done the same wrestling match with myself over going to the gym in the morning or doing anything that wasn’t work related.  I always leave it until after I’ve got my morning work done and then I never end up getting to it.

But she makes a wonderful realization after she gets back from the class:
Nothing had been lost by not giving that time to my business. Nothing had been lost.
It was the same as going on pirate queen vacation or being on Island Time. I’d had business ideas. I’d gotten perspective. It was better than hurrying back to work.

Stepping Away.  It’s what feeds the creative process.  It gives perspective.  It’s the space where things can shift.
It’s hard to do because it feels counter intuitive.  We feel like we’re slacking.
But the thing is, it’s crucial.  Stopping working is crucial to being productive and especially to being creative.  How’s that for contradiction?

Things are gonna change round here…

It’s 4:09 right now and by the time you read this, I’ll be outside sitting in the sunshine staring into the horizon.

How about you?

Thoughts, ideas on stepping away and how it’s helped you?

flickr courtesy of too many tribbles

There are lots of things that I say that get people riled up. The one that is usually met with the most push back is when I ask clients to “take the need to earn money off the table” when they’re working on their branding.

“But I need to make money, I’ve got to pay my bills,” is usually their reply. Yes, I’m not refuting that. The only thing I’m saying is that mindset is what will keep you from doing just that.

It’s such a touchy place for small business owners –this place between needing to earn money and stepping away from that so you can be fully present with the possibilities and create your vision, unencumbered by fear.

A lot of people think that if they don’t focus on earning money, they won’t earn it.

I think it’s the opposite.

Focusing on earning money or being worried about money takes you out of inspiration and into desperation.

The practical end of why this is true was said very well by my friend and colleague  Sharon Roemmel:
The problem is that when you’re operating from this viewpoint you’re living in the limbic part of your brain. That’s the primitive part associated with fight versus flight. From that place you’re not resourceful. You can’t access the creative part of you. You also can’t access the part of your brain that makes good decisions for marketing. You’re in survival mode… The universal law of attraction says that what we focus on is what we get. When we’re in limbic mode trying to hustle business anyway we can, our fear attracts the poverty we’re trying to avoid.

The thing about the human brain is that it needs something to do, a thought to think. So trying not to have fearful thoughts doesn’t really work.

You need to have a place to go mentally and emotionally. A space that you create that is filled with trust that what you’re doing is going to work out– that the best outcome will be the one you get even if it’s not the one you want. That everything that happens is ultimately for your highest good.
This is the place to be when you’re working on content for your business. What to create – what kind of services, classes, need to come from a marriage of what’s in your heart and what will best serve your clients. But it needs to be done in a no-fear zone.

Because if you love what you do, and I’m making the assumption that you do–then you have to love the work. So creating a class just because you think it will bring in big bucks when your heart isn’t really in it turns the experience into just another grind. And you started your business to avoid that syndrome, No?

But What About the Bills?

I already hear your objections. “How can you run a business without focusing on earning money?” It’s not that you never focus on it, that there should not be a focus on it in the creation space. And focusing on earning money is different than being fearful about not earning it.

It takes a lot of guts not to cave in to the fear about money. It takes a lot of courage to come from your heart and create a safe space for yourself to create and do your work. You need to be able to touch into inspiration and possibility.

The business end of being in business (which is all the stuff that you do for your business when you’re not actually doing your work) is just the foundation and structure that holds the creativity and inspiration, the work that your clients come to you for.  You set it up solidly to support your vision. You put strategies firmly in place but all the while your focus is the work and serving your clients.

So I guess it comes down to who or what are you in service to?  What is the big vision that you hold for your business?  What shift/understanding/epiphany do you want people to have from coming in contact with your business? That’s the core, the starting point and the fuel for what steps you take and things you create.  And it doesn’t live in your head, it’s in your heart.

courtesy of Msraggle

I’ve been thinking about this concept so much lately–when to push, when to pull back, and when to lean in and trust that things will take care of themselves.

As for myself, I’m a pusher.  A therapist I had referred to my way of being in the world as “whipping and driving.”  Most of what I’ve accomplished in my life has been through brute force of will.

Once I make up my mind to do something, I’ll do everything humanly possible to make it happen.  Consistency, hard work, and perseverance.  They’ve been my holy trinity.

But lately the thought of having to “make things happen” or create something from nothing feels like getting up out of bed and running a marathon without training and without water.

It turns out there’s another place.  A place where it’s not all you.  A place where you’re supported; where the things you put out/your deep desires have an energy of their own; a trajectory into existence that’s outside of you having to make them happen.

It’s the place between ease and effort

How do you put forth your best effort and let go of the results?

How do you loosen the grip so that you’re effective but still allow for a change in course if necessary?

How do you go for it, but stay open enough for providence or divine assistance to move things forward?

Or as Alan Cohen put it: How do you let your good find you rather than trying to squeeze it out of life?

I came across this quote the other day and I think it speaks volumes:

“The more you are motivated by love, the more fearless and free your actions will be.” -Katherine Mansfield.

How about you?  How do you find the place between ease and effort?

Here’s a little kick in the face.

You’re working really hard to get somewhere in your business or in your life, and it happens–you finally reach your goal– that sense of arrival, that place where you get to EXHALE.   You finally get the relationship, income in your business, recognition that you’ve been waiting for and then….
You find yourself obsessing over something that’s either trivial, out of your control, or imagined.  You go from feeling on top of the world to suddenly being anxious or depressed.

How did that happen?
Weren’t you just feeling great?

It happens when you start earning a lot more money.
It happens when you get recognition for something you’ve been working hard at.
It happens anytime you get the feeling that you can glide, or lean into your life.
It happens when you’re in a great place in your relationship
It happens when things start to feel “too good”–

I have a friend who was in a job she hated for a long time.  She finally worked up the nerve to start looking for another job and after about six months landed a really good one.  She was excited to start the new position and looking forward to being in a new workplace for the first time in 20 years.  It was going to be a whole new experience, a chance to re-invent herself.  The night before she started the job we were on the phone and you know what she talked about?  How deeply disappointed she was with herself for the weight she gained over the past year.

She was so upset about it she was sobbing and I kept thinking, “why are you fixating on this now?  So you’ll lose the weight.”  Clearly, something else was going on there.

After we hung up I understood that after being miserable for so long, it felt strange and uncomfortable for her to feel so good. 

So even though things were looking up, she found a way to look down.

Gay Hendricks author of the book: The Big Leap calls this “the Upper Limit problem.”  He says:

“When you attain higher levels of success, you often create personal dramas that crowd your life with unhappiness and prevent you from enjoying your enhanced success…The Upper Limit problem is our universal human tendency to sabotage ourselves when we have exceeded the artificial upper limit we have placed on ourselves.”

It makes perfect sense really.  We’re re-creating the feelings we’re familiar with.  If you’ve been struggling for years to make a living or find a really loving relationship, it’s understandable that the good stuff would feel strange or uncomfortable because it’s new.

And it turns out the brain does not like new.  It likes old and familiar.

The job of the brain is to maintain stability and impose order so if you’ve spent a lot of time in a certain emotional state: being unhappy, feeling drained, victimized, or like an underdog, your brain will try to hold onto that or return to that feeling as soon as possible.

Your mind will try and recreate the environment you’re used to regardless of your circumstances.  It will find something to fixate on to bring you back to the feelings that are familiar to you.

Makes You Think Twice About Attaining Happiness, Doesn’t It?

I sometimes imagine myself  touring the country speaking to groups of business owners about how to use Fierce Authenticity in their business and giving The Yoga Of Marketing seminars to groups of Holistic practitioners and lifestyle entrepreneurs and think how amazing it will all be when I get there.  And yet every time my business takes another leap forward, every time playing a bigger game becomes more of a reality, I start my old routine of obsessing over my body.  I begin sliding into a black hole where anything that could make me feel good about myself or my life ceases to exist.   I can’t enjoy the good that I’ve got because I’m too busy raking myself over the coals for God-Knows-What perceived lack in myself and my life.

Nice, right?

It’s sad that we want so desperately to be happy but unconsciously sabotage ourselves.  We have to bring more consciousness into our lives.

We need to be able to tolerate happiness and joy for more than just one day.

How do you know if you’re experiencing the Upper Limit problem or if it’s really something you need to pay attention to?  Usually if you’re feeling really good about your life or something great happens to you and then the next day you notice that you’re extremely upset or worried about something that was always there, it’s an Upper Limit problem.

I find this information extremely empowering.  Are you suddenly feeling bad when you have things to feel good about because the good feelings feel strange and uncomfortable?

Definitely something to think about next time something great happens to you.

“The mind can make a heaven out of hell or a hell out of heaven” – John Milton

Oh, the promises that business coaches make.  I’m getting so tired of seeing stuff like this.  Here two of the e-mails for classes that I’ve gotten from other business coaches recently:

Do you wish you had the exact formula and an understandable, step-by-step success plan to easily grow your business to 6 Figures and beyond?

Stop feeling overwhelmed by marketing
Learn the exact steps to take to consistently find clients
Understand how to quickly earn more money
Have a proven system that’s “done for you” to build your biz
Stop worrying, reduce your fears, and have mega confidence

Here’s another:
My Top 5 Proven Ways For Creating A 6-Figure Business And Beyond”
You’ll Get 5 Clear & Concise Growth Strategies
To Consistently Bring In $10,000 Or More, Month After Month,
With Less Effort and Greater Ease Than You’ve Ever Thought Possible

The internet is crawling with websites that promise a 6 figure income and people who are struggling to build their business and don’t know how to do it get suckered in.

I know the people offering these courses are good business coaches and understand how to build a successful business but I’m always turned off when people start to get specific about how much money they’ve made or how much money you can make using their proven system because frankly there’s a missing link.

If you’re defining your practice or business by the service you provide then all the marketing tools/tricks/secrets in the world won’t help you.

Why talk about putting a fireplace in the family room when the foundation of the house is missing?

Putting In the Link

You have to establish your connection to your potential clients.  That’s the link–the link from you to them and the link that allows for the next link which is your communication about what you do including your services, classes, and products.

Don’t get me wrong, the tools work, they totally do.  But how do you get people interested enough to pay you for what you do if they don’t have a clear understanding of how what you do directly helps them with a specific issue they struggle with in their lives?

When you’re not totally clear on who your ideal client is, what you help them with AND what about that makes you want to do a happy dance then of course you don’t want to write a blog, send a newsletter, or create a class because you don’t know what to say–and you don’t know who you’re talking to.

Enter Despair

There are business coaches out there who would just have you believe that if you were able to clear your blocks to success and abundance then you could manifest success.  If you could get past your fear of success your business will shine.

Well, I Call Bullshit!!!!!

Slapping a few affirmations onto the situations isn’t going to fix the problem. Aligning your energy and thoughts is helpful in keeping you positive and energized through the process but I don’t care how enlightened you are, the only way you’re going to get paying clients is by letting them know you exist and have a solution to their problem.

But first you need to get really, really clear on who THEY are.

Here are a couple of questions to help you clarify the who and what:
Why do you do the work you do?

What have you experienced personally that caused you to seek out doing this specific type of work?

What issue do you love to help people overcome?

Why does that matter to you so much?

I’d love to hear your answers in the comments.