Talk About Magical Thinking

Bingeasarus – 1.  One who eats as if their entire food supply is going to be cut off in the very near future. 2. One who eats to protect against the hunger to come. 3. One who eats to try and make up for the hunger in the past.

I am certainly number 3. I spent years depriving myself of sweets, bread, and dairy products. My initial impulse was for health reasons. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had made a choice to follow a specific food program, I focused on my feelings of deprivation. Instead of focusing on how much energy I had, I focused on feeling denied the fun foods that everyone else was eating and I realize now there is some part of me that wants retribution.  It’s payback time people. Do you know how many dozens of brunches I’ve sat through where I really wanted to order the pancakes or the french toast but never did? Instead I was eating the Nicoise salad and feeling very, very deprived.  I can count on one hand the number of times I had pancakes or french toast at brunch and I’ve gone to lots of brunches.

So a couple of months ago I decided that I would say YES to the pancakes at brunch!  Here is the progress that I have made with my food issues: a year ago, I would have just bought pancake mix and maple syrup and made the pancakes and eaten them at home as soon as the idea of pancakes crossed my mind.  Instead, I decided that I could wait and eat them at breakfast like a normal person, so at least I felt good about showing some restraint, but that is where the restraint ended. When the pancakes arrived, there were three of them, each as large as an 8″ dinner plate. My first thought was, “I’ll never finish those.” Famous last words. Even I, marathon eater of the 70′s and 80′s could not believe I finished them.

Let me just say that this kind of eating is pretty much devoid of pleasure. I ordered the pancakes because I wanted them, but finishing them was an attempt to make up for deprivation in the past.  The irony is that it’s two weeks later and it’s like the whole thing never happened. Eating the pancakes didn’t satisfy anything! My desire for pancakes still feels like a bottomless pit.  I think I’m going to have to do this a lot to get it out of my system. What???

When I think about what I just said I see that it is insane and how clearly, none of this is about food–it’s about allowance and not feeling left out. It’s about saying yes to something and not always being told no.
It’s about trying to experience expansion, freedom, and joy in my life by using food as the conduit.

Why don’t I just try to start a fire by rubbing two tissues together?  Or bang my head against a wall in hopes that it will make my painful childhood memories disappear? It’s almost like a crazy voodoo. I keep thinking I will have that one perfect meal that undoes all of the bad decisions that I made in the past about food but each time I go to that place, I come up empty handed.

I had an epiphany the other day. What if in the past I was always able to eat whatever I wanted? What if it was all balanced and normal so there was no debt to pay, no retribution to seek, no pleasureable experiences to try and make up for?

There’s really nothing to stop me from adopting this idea about my past. I think it will help me tremendously.

I came across a great quote today: “Every momment of your life, including this one, is a fresh start.”

I’m going to go with that one.