Now I just might end up regretting this post, the possibility always exists that tomorrow I could find myself up to my neck in Ring Dings.
But as for right now (and what else is there, really?) it’s been 48 days but who’s counting? On February 21st just as a way to clean up my diet, I stopped eating sugar. Nothing new, I’ve done it a dozens of times in the last four years each time I’ve attempted to eat healthier. I figured it would just be the usual–I’d make it until the weekend and then I’d find myself downing some chocolate or some ice cream. Somehow this time, that time never came.
For those of you who know me you know all about “the breakup.” That’s the time from 2001 – 2006 where I stopped eating any and all sugar. Those 5 years were quite an experience. Because I gave up sugar from a place of discipline and wanting to lose weight–a place of not trusting myself around food, I had a pretty big rebound. I have lots of stories of eating myself into oblivion in the last 4 years but I’m not going to go into that here. What I will tell you is that very naturally one day a couple of weeks ago, I woke up and the thought of eating sweets just nauseated me. Pretty weird since the last time I gave up sugar it took every ounce of discipline that I had and every bit of energy to maintain the abstinence. Of course I’m thinking it’s too good to be true but as of right now, I just don’t feel the need or the desire for it. I guess dreams really can come true. Honestly, part of what’s driving this thing is that I’ve been working on simplifying my life–clearing it of situations and relationships that require way too much work and navigating a relationship with sugar is just more than I’d like to deal with right now. I’d just rather do without it. It’s strange to be in this situation without the element of deprivation but truly there is none.
I found this letter that I wrote in 2004 about the experience. Some things are different this time, but some things are still the same…
An open letter to my best friend and worst enemy:
The first time I tried to let you go for good I cried every day for a week. In my eyes I was losing my very, very, best friend; my most dependable, true friend. What a soothing comfort you were for me, and what rebellion. Whenever I was hurting, I could just reach out for you and there you were. You were always there when I needed you, and you were my favorite mode of acting out.
In September of 1997 I got up the strength to say goodbye. After about a year of being without you, I came running back. I missed the excitement of having you in my life. I missed the roller coaster. It was fun for a while, running with you again – until the weight started to come back. That’s when it really became a problem. I thought I could keep you in my life and manage it all somehow, the cravings, my weight, my emotions. Something about the act of walking away from you completely and staying away for a while intensified my need to have you. So I came back, and what a sweet reunion it was.
Things were fine in the beginning, after all I missed you desperately, but after a while I began to get lost in the push- pull of having you and then trying to do without you. It started to take over my life. You began to haunt me. I was truly addicted. I hated myself for the way I used and depended on you. Every moment of my life became centered around the fight to have you or not have you. Kind of like an abusive lover that you don’t want to live without.
I beat myself up so much each and every time I succumbed to you that I destroyed any pleasure I might have gotten. That’s when I knew it was all over. There really was no point in us being together if it wasn’t pleasurable for me so in October of 2001 I said goodbye again. But this time I meant it. I had to summon every resource that I had to make it happen—so much so, that my entire life had to revolve around maintaining this abstinence. Eventually the effort gave way to relief. Not having you in my life freed up so much of my psyche that going back to you just seemed like emotional suicide.
Yeah, having you is nice for as long as it lasts which for me is only about three minutes but then it’s over. That’s when the beating/obsession over what to have next starts and that’s just the expressway into a black hole that goes absolutely nowhere. I feel a freedom and a clarity in my life now that was never there before. I’m finally in touch with my true hunger which feels so much more honest than that crazy train I was on while you and I were together.
Sure sometimes I reminisce about old times – ending my night out with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s on the couch; the sugar rush of eating a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies on an empty stomach; the shot of serotonin after eating a package of Resse’s Peanut Butter Cups. I confess that I do sometimes miss using you to numb myself into oblivion. But like any memory, it lasts a moment and then it’s over.
I think of our fun memories together fondly, but I don’t miss the insanity.
Your Friend,
Cathy
2010 P.S. – So my old friend sugar, we’ll see how long this lasts. And I need everyone who is reading this to know that I have no judgement about anyone eating sugar. If you love sweets and they make you happy, by all means–go for it! For me it’s always been a contentious relationship that required a lot of energy and I’d rather have that energy for other things.
find me on Facebook
follow me on Twitter